To Love.. and Lose

It's been said, that it's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all. I think Tommy Lee Jones said it best as Kay in Men in Black, "Try it."

I've known love, true love and realized years later that I was the reason I lost it. My youth, naivety, stupidity and selfishness lost my love. More than once.

This seems to be one lesson I simply cannot learn. I continue to make stupid decisions in life that turn my world upside-down. Finally I have come to realize that my one love, my one true love was never really mine. I didn't deserve her and certainly don't now.

She was everything you could possibly want in a woman and nothing you don't. Beautiful, intelligent, fun. Never one to complain or nag or fret. Always willing to have fun. Always there by your side.

Too good to be true, and yet true nonetheless. I haven't seen or spoken to her in over a decade and yet I still have dreams about her. Every time I see or hear her name, I feel a pang in my chest reminding me what I so hastily lost all those years ago. Every time I feel like I finally may have gotten over and beyond my feelings for her, something brings them rushing back in...

Every relationship I've had since her has been a failure. With my life failing just as quickly. And now I fear that I have reached a point where I can never know true happiness again. For I am nothing without an amazing woman by my side.

And I wonder.. am I the loser that her father always pegged me to be? Have I accomplished nothing and failed at making myself a better person?

Can I change?