Turn of Events

I know it's been a while since I posted anything, but it's for good reason.  My 2nd love.. the one that got away has returned to me.  She is back in my life, and in ways that I never believed possible.  More on that later.

It's extremely complicated, there's a lot of story I haven't gotten to on here yet that I had intended to, and I will eventually, but for now I want to explain my current situation.

I got married in 2003, I was 27 and she was 25.  The relationship was pretty doomed from the beginning for reasons I'm not going to get into at this point.  In November of 2004 we had a baby boy, the light of my life.  In 2005 I was laid off from my job of 6 1/2 years, was unemployed for just over 6 months (a blessing in disguise, got to be around my son all the time).  Started work the first of the year 2006, worked there for 2 years and just under 4 months and was fired from there (my fault), started working about a month later for way less money, worked there for a little over a year and got fired again (I do not accept blame for this one, long story).  All the time I was working up until I got fired from the second job, my wife was going to school to be a nurse.  Finally she graduated in 2008 and was working in the late part of the year.  By this point our relationship had deteriorated significantly and by July 2009 she moved out.  We are still married, more for financial reasons than anything else.

I said previously that my second love recently found out that her husband had been cheating on her.  That's not entirely accurate, apparently he's been cheating on her for about 4 years and she just recently found out that he's STILL cheating on her.  She said that she has been in denial about it for a long time, but she is finally over it and done with him.  She is going to see an attorney this week to start the divorce process.

This past weekend, she came for a visit, her parents and her brother still live here and her brother's birthday was this past weekend.  She also found a way to spend some time with me.  I dared not believe anything would come of her visit, regardless of the fact that I am still in love with her.  It amazes me how that feeling never goes away.  But something did happen, and no I will not go into details, but it was the best weekend I've had in a very long time.  And it ended with her going home (one state north of me), but with a vision of the future that included us being together.  It only took 13 years, but we've been reunited and my future has never looked so bright.

Now we both have divorces to go through and we both have children and the intention is for her to move back here.  All of this is going to be difficult, but completely worth it.

How strange to think how one weekend can change my life so drastically.  So here's to the future...  more to come.

Love Never Fails

So the first time I loved and lost was with my high school sweetheart.  We started dating when I was 17 and she was 15.  Our relationship was amazing to me.  I don't remember ever getting into a truly heated argument with her and we dated for about 4 years.  Two of those years together here and two long distance.

I still wonder if her father took the job in Omaha at least partially to get her away from me (if you haven't guessed, he never liked me and he never hid that fact from me).  They were moving shortly after she graduated from high school and we decided not to attempt a long distance relationship for the same reasons that it ended up failing.  She lived in Omaha for about a year and then they moved again to the San Diego area.

Over those last two years we only saw each other 3 times.  Once when I went to visit her in Omaha and twice when she came here to visit.  I was so stupid, why didn't I take the time to put more effort into keeping that relationship going?  What ended up killing us was my busy schedule and lack of contact with her.  Hindsight is 20/20 I suppose.

Anyways, around the same time my relationship with her was ending, I was having an affair with my best friend's ex-girlfriend.  Sounds bad and it certainly changed my life, but that's a story for another time.

Let's just say I ended up falling in love with her even though she was dating another guy (not my best friend).  Of course while she was dating him, she was fooling around with me.  But I was stupid once again.  I could've had her if I only would've asked her to leave him and be with me, but I never did.  I think mostly because I was holding onto the hope of getting back with my first love.  She is still in my life to some extent, my friend on facebook and we talk every so often.  One of the hardest things I've ever had to do was go to her wedding.  The whole time I wanted to stop it and tell her she was making a mistake.  Apparently I wouldn't have been too far off-base as she has recently found out that he is cheating on her.

So no, I don't believe that you have one "soul-mate" or only one shot at true love.  But I will admit that it's never the same.  Each time I've been in love has been very different than the others.

Stay tuned.. Love the Third coming soon...

To Love.. and Lose

It's been said, that it's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all. I think Tommy Lee Jones said it best as Kay in Men in Black, "Try it."

I've known love, true love and realized years later that I was the reason I lost it. My youth, naivety, stupidity and selfishness lost my love. More than once.

This seems to be one lesson I simply cannot learn. I continue to make stupid decisions in life that turn my world upside-down. Finally I have come to realize that my one love, my one true love was never really mine. I didn't deserve her and certainly don't now.

She was everything you could possibly want in a woman and nothing you don't. Beautiful, intelligent, fun. Never one to complain or nag or fret. Always willing to have fun. Always there by your side.

Too good to be true, and yet true nonetheless. I haven't seen or spoken to her in over a decade and yet I still have dreams about her. Every time I see or hear her name, I feel a pang in my chest reminding me what I so hastily lost all those years ago. Every time I feel like I finally may have gotten over and beyond my feelings for her, something brings them rushing back in...

Every relationship I've had since her has been a failure. With my life failing just as quickly. And now I fear that I have reached a point where I can never know true happiness again. For I am nothing without an amazing woman by my side.

And I wonder.. am I the loser that her father always pegged me to be? Have I accomplished nothing and failed at making myself a better person?

Can I change?